Should baby make 4 (well technically 6 I guess)

* Warning this may hurt a MAN's eyes. Woman only. :) *

I have been going back and forth on this idea of trying for another baby. I am not sure. When it is only me and Toby in the house it seems like there should be another child. But when we have the SS's here there are 5 of us and it seems like to many people.
And I would really really really like a girl. But I think I would be heartbroken if it turned out to be another boy, and BF doesn't have a good track record for making girls he has 3 boys right now, so what are the chances for it to be a girl this time??
Is there any way to "make" a certain gender??? I read somewhere that if you douche with such and such it makes for either a girl or boy, something to do with making the uterus more acidic or something. Sorry to say I am not douching with anything. TMI???
Should I just say ok lets try and it doesn't matter what the child will be as long as it is healthy. I know that is how I should feel, but I don't I want a girl, but I know if it did happen and it was a boy I would love him anyway.
Oh I don't know. I think I have been feeling like wanting another cause I always said that by the time Toby was 3 I would have my mind made up or would have another child by then, well the deadline for that is TOMORROW!! can you believe he will be 3 tomorrow. Man those years went by real fast.
We are having a little celebration tomorrow, nothing big just a cake and some presents from family and stuff. The next Sunday we are having a big party for him. I say we but I really mean ME, I have been doing everything for the party, I guess like most moms. The bf will be there at the party to help out a bit ( cause I have given him no choice. hehe) but as for the planning and preparing *pfft* it's all me, is everyone else like that when it comes to planning parties and stuff for their kids it is usually the mom's job???
Better go and see what Toby is up to now. He is too quiet. Not good sign.

I'm not dead... well wish I was at times and the goose.

I just noticed the last time I wrote on here was June 3. Oops. I haven't written because to be honest there wasn't much to write about.
Had a fairly crappy summer, weather sucked stayed at home with no vacation. And have been feeling like crap off and on all summer. I am now suffering from Nausea and headache since Wednesday, no matter what I eat it turns my stomach. No idea what it is, I guess if it keeps up I will have to go to the doc.
My mother has given up driving so I have been her chauffeur lately which I don't mind, I would rather do that then her feel like she needs to drive. She has an appointment in Oct. (which will not come quick enough) she has seizures and they are not sure why, hello it has been 10 years someone needs to figure out something. I worry about her constantly. Last Friday I went to pick her up like I normally do, and she was in the window waving for me to come in, I go in and she has the hand torn off herself, it looked like someone took and knife and tried to fillet her hand, and she had her glasses broken and 2 cuts on her head close to the temple, she couldn't remember what happened, she had another seizure which seems to be happening more and more lately, she had to go to the hospital anyway for her shot and they done her hand up, the cuts on the head didn't look bad so they just cleaned then, well the next day what a shiner she had, oh my then it became this bag of blood under her eye. I can not wait for Oct. so hopefully they can figure out why he medication doesn't seem to be working.
On to the lovely goose. I use the term lovely very loosely... well for the past 4 or 5 weeks we have been going down to the wharf and feeding the ducks, There are a ton of ducks, more then in these pictures.
there is a goose that stays with them, ( in the left hand upper corner of the second picture)he never bothered us before just ate the bread we tossed out along with the ducks. Well yesterday we were there and feeding the ducks, then I hear Toby shout, when I look the freaking goose has him hold by the jacket, my first reaction was to kick the goose, I had to kick him 3 or 4 times before he finally let go. I feel bad for kicking him ( even though I don't think I hurt him) but the Mommy Monster just took over. Something was trying to hurt my son. I just reacted. I love animals, as long as they don't try to harm my child.
I am hoping to keep writing here, if anything interesting happens, which probably won't lol.
Well Toby will be 3 next Sunday so I will probably post about that, I am preparing for his birthday party now, which I have scheduled for the 12th, just trying to prepare what I can now so I don't have a ton of stuff to do the night before. I procrastinate a lot so it would end up the night before.

I am now certified...

Well I am now a certified car seat inspector!!! I am prod of myself for doing this, even though most of the people around me thinks it was a waste of time since I will never get a job doing this or paid for my services. Ah hello that is what volunteering is about.
It was a grueling day when we had the car seat clinic, started at 9:30 am and we didn't get done till like 5:00pm, we had 46 care seat appointments and god only knows how many drop ins we had. I have a very nasty sun burn on my face and neck, including the tops of my ears. I burn so easily I should have worn sunscreen but I haven't bought any for this summer yet.
This is the first time I have gotten a chance to sit down to the computer long enough to type anything since before Sunday. I had a First Aid/ CPR course last night, so I will be certified in that soon too.
Better run, by the smells of it supper is done, home made meatballs( made from scratch) and rice. Yum-o.

Car seat training

Well after 2 days of training I am headed to a car seat clinic today (along with 13 other people) we have learned how to install car seats ( for babies and kids) we have 46 seats booked to do and you have to do at least 6 with another person to become certified, so hopefully when I get back home today I will be a Certified Car Seat Inspector. It is going to be one helluva day that's for sure.
If you are from Canada check out their website...
www.kidsinsafeseats.ca ( I think that is the site I will check and fix it later if it is wrong.)
More to write later when I get home, trying not to type to loud (been told I do that) cause Toby and Rod are still sleeping, wish I was. 7 am is so not a good time for me to be getting up.'
Wish me luck.

This might be long, it might be short, have not decided yet...

Urgh I hate feeling like this, and I have been feeling like this for a long time. By this I mean useless and not needed/wanted.
I wasn't going to post about this but I need to get it off my chest. I have been in such a downer mood lately, I am useless lately, I manage to clean a little, and cook sometimes. But I want to do nothing all day. The only reason I am not in bed all day is because of my little boy. I am trying to force myself to take him to this sort of mommy and me class today, haven't been there in a long time with him, for 2 reasons... 1 the weather has been crap lately with storm after storm, and 2 I have no interest in going anywhere. The furtherest I have went lately is to the store to pick some stuff up that we needed, and that is it. And the only reason for that is cause Rod won't do it. If he would go to the store for me, I wouldn't leave the house.
It is beautiful here today and I know I should take my son outside, cause he would love it so much, but I have a headache of course and the sun will only make that worse, and I have no interest. I would rather sit inside and watch tv or just fiddle around on here.
What is wrong with me URGH!!!!! I hate feeling like this and I don't know what to do to fix it. I probably should go to the Doctor or something but I just don't want to tell her any of this, about how I am feeling, because either she will just blow me off or think I am crazy, or maybe something worse. I take care of my son, he is fed and played with and bathed and everything else, but that is about it. I keep the house reasonable, and I try to cook at least once a day.
I don't have any energy at all, I am not getting to bed till 1 or 1:30am every night, and I can't see how to get Toby to change his sleeping habits/schedule.
I feel like such a failure lately. I haven't been going to this mommy and me thing, because some days (most days) it is too hard to paste on a fake smile and pretend everything is hunky dory. I feel so alone, and I feel so useless. I need to go to the mommy and me thing today I need to for my son, cause if I don't go out in the day neither does he, and I know that can not be good for him. Got to go now, becuase he wants to type now as well.

Well my prayers were not answered.

URGH. I have to go to the dentist, the Doc says my ears look good, and he thinks I may have an abscess, which I have since been informed usually means the tooth has to come out or a root canal.
Heck I am terrified to get a cavity filled let a lone a root canal or a tooth removed. But right about now I wouldn't care if I could get it done. I am on the cancellation list in this town and emergency list for the town 40 mins away. The quickest either can get me in is 4 months time. 4 MONTHS!!!!!!! that is unreal.
We really can't afford to travel 4 hours to a dentist, even though people have told me that you can get an appointment fairly quick. This is one of the times I wish I was on social assistance, the trip would be paid for, and half the dental work paid as well. Rod's company insurance covers 100% of dental work up to a certain amount. So the only money I would need would be the travel money.
We may just have to budget it in, cause I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I am on antibiotics, so hopefully if there is an infection there it may help, I have so many meds in me, it may not be safe for me to close my eyes tonight, and I still have a shit load of pain. I even tried icing the pain away but that didn't help. I read to take a shot of whiskey and hold it near the tooth for a little and spit it out. Wonder would Vodka work ( I have the vodka in the house from a few months ago)
Anyone have any advice for the pain, while I wait to get into see a dentist?

Going to the Doctor tomorrow(hopefully)

This doesn't happen very often, I only go to the Doc if I feel like I am dying. And I want to die about now. Since Monday night my jaw has been killing me, and I have been sick to my stomach. Today was the worst yet, I woke up at 5 am in such pain I had to get out of bed and go take some meds, which isn't much just extra strength tylenol, it's all I have in the house right now. I washed my face earlier and wanted to cry it hurt so bad. Even my eye on the right side is hurting, my whole right side of my face is killing me. I am crossing my fingers and praying that it is only an ear infection or something, and not a cavity. For 2 reasons I hope it's not a cavity... 1. I HATE/FEAR the dentist like you wouldn't believe. and 2. this is February I might get an appointment with the dentist for June if I am lucky. There is a VERY long waiting list for dental care. Unless I want or can afford to travel like 5 hours. Which right now is not a good idea, the weather is so unpredictable and we can't afford such a trip.
Oh and my arm is no better it is worse, in January the Doc told me I had carpal tunnel syndrome in my arm he told me to buy and brace and wear it every night, which I have and my arm is worse. I really shouldn't be typing this but I have to do something. It is worse at night, and trying to carry a 2 year old with a bum arm isn't easy. I hate that I can't do a lot of things anymore, like cut my finger nails, seriously, my hand just doesn't want to cooperate with me. That is only one thing I have difficulty with. I would be here to long if I mentioned everything, and typing this is hard enough, my fingers just don't go where I want them too anymore. URGH.
I think I am falling apart. I am only 27 ain't this suppose to happen way later then this??
Wish me luck and pray that my pain is anything BUT a cavity.

I have added some links

I added a few more blogs to my blogroll, If I added you and you would rather not be there please let me know. These are just some of the blogs I check daily. I really need to look into this goggle reader thing I hear/read people talking about. cause a lot of the time I am wasting my time clicking cause some don't post everyday, and I think this reader thing tells you when there is a post. Something to look into.
So if I added you and you don't like it, please just let me know. I am still trying to figure out this "blogging" thing, and I am not sure if I needed permission before hand or not.
Thanks

I'm a good-for-nothing

I wish I had a talent, like many of the ladies I have been reading about in their blogs. I can't cook, I can't sew/knit, I can't take pictures, and I am not very good or interesting with this blog thing. Damn I suck. I have been pondering this for a long time, who I am and what am I good at. I don't even think I am a good mother, common law wife. I was a wife at one time and obviously wasn't very good at that either since I am now divorced after only 4 years of marriage, guess I could blame that on getting married young (19).
My life seems to be going no where, I have no direction, nothing to look forward to. I have nothing. I have one good friend in real life. And maybe one or two online.
I suck I suck I suck.
I like to scrapbook, but never find the time for it anymore, I probably could find the time but with Toby he always needs to be right into what I am doing, so as soon as I take it out I need to keep everything enclosed so he doesn't get his hands on it and hurt himself. Like if I am cutting something, as soon as I am done with the scissors (even if I need them again in a few minutes) I have to put them away. It got so annoying that I just gave up.
I want to give up on everything most days and today is one of those days.
Urgh sorry about whining so much, I just had to get it out.

How much more can I take??

I just got a call informing me that my uncle has cancer, well on Thursday they knew he had it in his bowels. Someone just called and told me it is in his lungs and liver as well. If he doesn't have the bowels surgery the docs give him a month to live. Urgh I hate this. My grandmother just passed and we are not over that yet and now my uncle (on the other side of my family) has just been given a death sentence basically.
My mother doesn't know yet. And I don't think I can be the one to tell her, this is her brother and I know they were close before he moved away. I can remember when I was younger always going to their house and playing with my cousins, his sons,. I just don't know how much more bad news I can take.

Funny band thing

I stole this from Dutchbitch. Lets see what I come up with.

Let’s make a band:
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Now take your pic, add the band name and title to it, then post it. Here is my album cover.
It is not done that great, cause at the moment all I have on here is the PAINT program.

Not a bad picture, could have been worse lol.

She will be missed

I am writing this post with a heavy heart, and a tear or two.
My Nan passed away on Friday morning from a heart attack. It has been a very rough few days, for my son as well. He is used to me being home with him, but Rod watched him all weekend while I spent time at the chapel with my nan and my family.
It was very hard to say goodbye to her. But I am happy to know she is in a better place ( if such a place/thing exist) I hope she is anyway. She is no longer in pain, she wasn't sick or anything just sore bones and stuff, she was 86 after all. I think she lived a long life.
I will always remember her, Her birthday is the day before Toby's. I just hope if there is such a place as heaven that is is there watching over us.
Rest In Peace Nan, I love you.

Excited and scared...

Well 2008 has started... I hope this year will be good, but I have this nagging feeling that it's going to be horrible. I hope and pray that I am wrong.
I am worried about my mom, she seems to be getting worse with her seizures and it is scary, they used to only last a few seconds and she would only have them maybe 1 a month or so, but the last 2 I seen were within a week of each other and they seem to be lasting long. She almost managed to throw my christmas tree on the floor on Christmas eve ( I caught on to what she was going to do and managed to grab it before it hit the floor) and then on New years day at my Aunt's for dinner she had another right after she finished eating, and got up to walk out the door.
She has already had a small accident while driving because of a seizure, and I see bruises on her face which she has no idea how they got there. I think it is maybe from her falling or something. The thing is she is so thick headed and stubborn she won't tell her doc that they have gotten worse, she doesn't remember when she has them or what she does while she is having one.
I wonder can I go to her doc alone and discuss my fears and stuff with the doc?
And don't bother telling me she shouldn't be driving, I know this and so does she, there just is no talking to her. I love my mom and I am so worried and stressed out by this.
Ok this post went somewhere completely different then I intended it to. I was going to write about my other worry ( yeah I have a few I'm a worry wart) Rod maybe leaving for the mainland of Canada in February. He has a job offer up there which is better then what he is getting here ( his current company is having a meeting this Monday with the union to discuss a possible raise, if it goes the way Rod hopes he won't be leaving but if not he feels he doesn't have a choice, we just barely make it from paycheck to paycheck, with Child support and bills and everything. But if he does go I am not going with him, the job up there is one that he may not be at home for weeks at a time, so I figure what would be the point of me leaving with Toby and going away from my friends and family, I may as well stay where I am, this is only a 6 months thing for now, 6 months on 6 off. He can then decide what he wants, to stay like that go full time or go back to his current job ( which he will take an annual leave from).
My year has not started out very good, I ust hope the worse is almost over and things only get better. No wonder I don't sleep at night, and I am going bald, all this is only the tip of the iceburg. Urgh