Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Depression is a nasty bully

*** Disclaimer***
These are my thoughts and experiences, I am by no means a pro on either of the subjects I write about.

I have suffered from depression for many years, started around the same time I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and puberty, so not sure if it is a symptom or a disease all it's own. When I was younger I was told by more then one doctor that "it's all in your head" and nothing was done about it.
I tried to "end it" a few times unsuccessfully obviously, or I wouldn't be writing this now.
I had physical bullies, but I think the worst bully has to be the mental bully called depression... the physical ones grow up and change, and you can fight back, some of the time. But the mental one seems to only get stronger, and stays with you as you grow, no matter where you go or move to. It followed me into high school, also into my marriage and move to Europe, and through my move back home, after me leaving my marriage with thoughts of needing to get out because I was not worthy enough to be loved by my then husband. Many years later I see that it was the bully in my head telling me this.

And the past few years now, my son has been suffering with depression and anxiety, and it is rearing it's ugly head big time lately. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place... what do you do when you are faced with a child who no longer wants to live, and has these thoughts almost on a daily basis, yes he is on medication ( for a little over a month) and it seems to be doing nothing.
We have an appointment with the physiologist (the one that can prescribe meds) again now in April, so hopefully she can give a little insight in wait to do, and maybe a med change.
He has an app this week with his psychiatrist, ( the one that talks, and does NOT prescribe meds), I get the two names mixed up lol.
He is struggling in school, because how can you focus if all your thoughts are on how useless you are and how much you want to end it.
Me and the hubby, and the son are all struggling, I wish I had the words to help, I have been talking him to a weekly mental health peer group, which he is under the age of the majority of the group, but the facilitator met with us, and deemed my son mature enough to attend.
He seems to be "older" then your typical 12 year old, and doesn't share the same interest and sense of humor as his classmates, I wonder is this because of the depression and anxiety, or is it early puberty ( he has other signs of puberty as well, for a few years now). I have discussed this with his family doctor, but she does not seem concerned.

I have almost written a novel, oops. If you are still reading, to this point thank you.

Melissa D

No comments: